new posts will be coming soon

Hello all!

Sorry for the huge gaps between posts. We have all been saying goodbye to summer and heading back to school. It has been way too hectic/uneventful for new posts to be written. More posts are soon to come

Vanessa is nice to acquaintances; hilarity ensues

Okay so the story I am about to share with you all is definitely one of the funniest things that has happened to me in public. So here is a little background leading up to the ultimate funny moment. I need to also preface by saying that I am a nice person. If I pass by someone I know, even if its a friend of a friend, I will wave or say hi because I feel that there is no reason not to. Basically, freshman year I lived in an all freshman dorm. I became friends with this kid “Michael”.  I honestly can’t remember how I met Michael, but it is in no way relevant to this story. Michael was friends with this kid named “Tyler”. By association I was “friends” with Tyler. We never really spoke much but would say hi to each other if we saw each other. There are two things about Tyler that are very important for this story; 1) I don’t think he is attractive at all and 2) I swore he was gay. Def had gay vibes and a gay sounding voice.

Let us fast forward to beginning of sophomore year. Tyler gets a girlfriend, and the only reason I know this is because I still speak to Michael and it randomly came up. I guess my theory on him being gay was disproved, but regardless of that fact, I still barely saw Tyler or spoke to him since we no longer lived in the same dorm. Now we must fast forward again to the very first day of classes for the second semester of sophomore year. It has been about a year since I have seen Tyler remotely anywhere on campus. I realize he is in my business law class and since I am not a bitch and am a nice person as I stated earlier, I said hi to him when I saw him in class as I went to the bathroom. He did a weird shrug thing and didn’t really say hi back. I didn’t even think much of it because I know this kid is a bit awkward to begin with, so I wasn’t offended when he barely returned a hello. Class is now over and we are all walking out of the classroom into the main hallway in the business school. I walk out with my friend Sarah who is in all of my classes and she somewhat knows Tyler from the same freshman dorm. I walk about 1 foot outside the door and I hear Tyler say my name. I am thinking to myself, he is probably gonna say hello and say he was sorry he kinda shrugged before when I said hello him. This though could not have been more wrong….

Instead, this is what he said to me, “Vanessa, sometimes when you talk to me I think you are flirting with me, and I want you to know that I have a girlfriend and I don’t appreciate it.” I was actually in fucking awe, like legitimately could not verbalize words at this point. All that came out of my mouth was hahahahahahahahahahahaha very very loudly. I then responded, “oh my god, that is fucking priceless. sorry you feel that way.” Still obviously laughing as I said all of this. As I walk away and reunite with Sarah I turn around for a second and realize that as Tyler was accusing me of flirting with him, his girlfriend was standing behind me the whole time as this exchange went on. Officially making this interaction really pathetic on their part. I kept laughing and tried to explain to Sarah what happened, but you just had to be there to get the real affect.

It came to my attention after this fiasco that saying hi to people when you pass them on campus or in an academic building is clearly a tell-tale sign of flirtation. I want to make it very clear to all the readers out there, I in no way was flirting with Tyler or even remotely sending signals that I would be into him. I am still convinced he is gay and using his weasel looking girlfriend as a beard. (And no, I am not calling her a weasel because of jealousy. She actually looks like a fucking weasel rat) Anyway, the best part about this all is that I got a great story out of it and made sure to tell everyone I knew what happened. I also made sure to point him out to people as I told the story if he was in the vicinity. BUT, what really takes the cake, and is by far the actual best part of this is that Tyler and The Weasel are actually terrified of me. Every time I see them around campus or in the dining hall I see them outright try to avoid me. On multiple occasions, they have moved tables in the dining hall if they realized I was going to be sitting near them. Shit is fucking hilarious.

Short Random Stories

There hasn’t been a post in a while, so I am taking the time now to write about random little things that have happened to me. They might not be overly epic or as hilarious as other stories that have been told, but I figured it can’t hurt to write them out for the viewers.

1) Phone Sex: I don’t know how many of you out there have tried phone sex, but in my experience (one time to be exact), I am not a huge fan. It’s quite possible that I don’t like it because I am very immature and can’t take all of that stuff seriously. I am a fairly creative person and have mastered sexting and cyber sex, so I know it wasn’t necessarily the content that was lacking. Phone sex is awkward because of the pauses. When you sext or syber, you have sometime to think about a really good response and make sure it is worded perfectly. One the phone, you are stuck on the spot and often times just draw a blank. Awkwardness ensues and the moment is just lost. The worst part about my one time experience with phone sex is that I was sober and the male counterpart was shithoused drunk. It was just an unfortunate situation at hand and I tried to power through the phone call as much as I could. We could both tell it wasn’t working out so we went back to the sexting. Still unsure if I am ever going to try it again.

2) When it comes to having sex, I am usually very willing. I will do my best to finagle my schedule around just to make sure a sexual encounter can occur if the opportunity presents itself. However, there was one time in particular where this was not the case. It was summer of 2009 and my friends and I decided to go to Six Flags for the day. We woke up incredibly early to drive out there and spent all day at the park. For those of you park goers out there, you know that staying at an amusement park all day long is absolutely exhausting. We finally make it back home around 9 pm. Around this time, I get a text from this kid names “Jake”. We had sex one time before during the summer and made out two other times. It was nothing substantial, but we all know that when you are home from school over the summer and forced to live with your parents again, having sex is not an easy thing to do. Anyway, he texting me asking to hang out. I was so tired, but was debating going over there anyway because I knew it would be a while until I had sex again. I thought I would just be going to his house like I did last time. However, this is not how is played out. At first I was going to go to his house, everything would be fine. But then he tells me he got in a fight with his parents so I couldn’t come to the house. I should mention that he is unable to drive to where I live because he is unable to drive due to medical reasons. So basically, us getting together rested solely on me driving somewhere. He suggests we just drive to a random street, have sex, then I can just drive home. Generally, if a girl is drunk, this doesn’t seem like a terrible plan, or at least if I am the drunk girl, this doesn’t seem like an awful idea. Unfortunately for him I told him I was honestly just really tired and wasn’t in the mood to drive out to ( a town 20 minutes away from me) for tired back seat car sex. I said we can reschedule for a day when I am not so pooped out and a bed can be involved.

Now hopefully there are men reading this blog reading this specific post, because what I am about to explain/say is something you need to read. I have heard some pretty crazy things in my life and had guys use some pretty ridiculous lines or excuses to persuade me into going back home with them after a night out, but for me, Jake’s response to what I said to him is something I will always remember, and definitely not in the good way. He says, “what? are you kidding? you wont come out here tongiht? PEOPLE HAVE GONE THROUGH FAR WORSE THAN YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE FOR A NIGHT.” Of course, he didn’t scream that, but caps was necessary to show everyone what to focus on here. If you are a guy and you are trying to get with a girl, NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER say this to them. In essence he was saying to me, “you are being absolutely fucking pathetic, so get your ass down here so I can fuck you.”I did not take kindly to any of this. If I am going to have sex it is going to be on my terms and when I feel up to it. In the end I told him to fuck off and never spoke to him again. If he is so concerned with what others will do to have sex, then I hope he found a new girl to go to the ends of the earth to have sex with him a fucking car.

3) I went on many trips during my semester abroad. One of the most memorable was Dublin. It was my first weekend trip of the semester and Ireland is just fucking awesome. We stayed in a decent hostel and in our room was 18 beds. It was an interesting first European hostel experience, but it was kinda hilarious in the end. We met some cool people and just enjoyed our weekend away. Flash forward to the end of the weekend away. We get back to our apartment in our actual city abroad. I have minor OCD and decide that I must unpack my bag because I just cant bare to leave it all disgusting over night. I unpack everything from it and basically throw all clothes in my laundry bag since the hostel looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in about 8 years. I take out the last article of clothing and feel that there is something still on the bottom of my bag. I reach into the big pocket of my backpack and what do I pull out, A FUCKING CAN OF BAKED BEANS. Now I am just staring at this can and looking bewildered as all hell. Then, I just start fucking laughing to the point where tears are coming out of my eyes. I have no idea in any way shape or form how this can ended up in my bag. I come out of my room into the living room and just hold up the can of beans to my roommates. They are confused as well, but soon enough everyone is just dying laughing. They have no idea how this happened. The best part has to be that I made it through security with this and no one seemed to care or notice. Another great part of this is that one of my roommates is originally from Dublin before she moved to the US and she told me that the baked beans I had in my bag were so amazing and I had to try them. I honestly have no idea how they got in there. I was in a room with 15 strangers and managed to have nothing stolen, but walked away with a can of baked beans. Within the week I ate the baked beans and my roommate was right, they were pretty damn good.

4) My semester abroad was slowly coming to a close. My friends and I decided to splurge a bit on dinner one night and go to this amazing restaurant near the water. After we eat, we realize how we need to awkwardly waste time before we can go to the promoted clubs for the night. Luckily for us, there is a strip of random bars near this restaurant that have a lot more locals than the clubs promoted for study abroad students. We start wandering around this area and before you know it, a guy dressed as a doctor and 2 girls dressed as nurses come storming over to me with a stretcher. They have whistles and everything and its just craziness. They start hollering for me and tell me to go on the stretcher. Music starts playing and before I know it I am being wheeled into a Nurse themed bar. I swear to god I am not making this up. All of the dancers and bartenders were dressed as slutty nurses or slutty doctors in scrubs. I am being carted in and everyone is all of a sudden just staring at me. They cart me over to the bar and then tell me to hop up on the bar. I do this and am immediately assaulted by a gorgeous man with no shirt on and scrub pants. He dancing all around me and I am just loving the moment. My friends all decide to hop on the bar too because they don’t want not miss out on the fun. Soon enough two of the bartender doctors are up there with us and they are hand feeding us gummy worms and these weird marshmallow things. It was honestly a sight to be seen. So strange and bizarre, but just amazing at the same time. Now I hope you all start believing me when I say that these random fucked up things really do happen in my life and I am not making them up.

I know all of these stories aren’t amazing, especially if you weren’t there to get the jokes or enjoy them, but I hope you were entertained nonetheless.

-Vanessa

A Cross Off the Sexual Bucket List

I am pretty confident when I say that everyone wants to have sex in as many random locations as possible. However, I do not share this incredible desire. You can call me boring or whatever you want, but in reality I don’t see how a park bench, a washing machine, a closet, a stairwell, the trunk of a car, a boat or anything else you can think of can allow for as much sexual exploration as a bed/bedroom can. Beds are glorious; they allow for position changes and aren’t as uncomfortable as many other places to have sex can be. Nevertheless, I cannot say I have only had sex in beds. This post is going to explain the two times I have no had sex in a bed, which coincidentally are two locations that are pretty high up on everyone’s sexual bucket list.

1) The Beach: I am going to flat out say that having sex on a beach is in no way romantic or appealing in any way. I was recently on a weekend trip in Atlantic City with my friends. We did the usual Atlantic City attractions: walked on the boardwalk, went to the carnival, gambled at the casinos and enjoyed the sun. Obviously since we were only in Atlantic City for one night, we had to do it big. We brought our own alcohol to the hotel room, because we are classy like that, and had a pretty long and intense pre-game. Around 12:30 am we decided to go to the boardwalk and figure out which bar/club we wanted to go to for the night. We wandered around or a bit and then eventually saw a ton of people going to this outdoor bar/club type thing. We decided to try it out and go there for the night. The night was going great. I somehow ended up near the bar at some point and found myself in the middle of a Bachelor Party. It was literally me, and then 6 men surrounding me as we all talked. They all told me there names, but I forgot them all about 30 seconds after they said them to me. I gave my number to one of them for whatever reason, most likely cause I was drunk, and then they all proceeded to go to another club while me and my friends stayed at the original place. I eventually got a text from “Dan” (this is the name I mentally gave him even though I have no idea what his real name is). We meet up at some point around 4 am along the boardwalk. I originally thought we were gonna end up back at his suite for his friend’s bachelor party, but was quickly told that there were too many people sleeping there and it wouldn’t work out. I couldn’t bring him back to my hotel room because I had 4 people sharing a king size bed. We both knew we wanted to have sex, but we weren’t quite sure where to go. So I decided to blurt out, “Hey there is a beach right in front of our eyes, we should just do it there.” We make our way down to the beach area and find this random shack in the middle of the sand. The shack wasn’t open, but it was something to hide behind so drunks on the boardwalk couldn’t see us. So now I am laying half on sand and half on this weird cement step in front of the shack. Not gonna lie, this was so uncomfortable and weird feeling. I was not a happy camper. Regardless of this fact, I was still drunk and sex was gonna happen anyway. So we ended up having sex on the beach and just none of it was good or satisfying. He was lucky enough to get off, but I wasn’t, so none of this ended well for me in the end. I didn’t orgasm and I had sand on my ass and vagina. After all this was over, he was nice enough to walk me back to my hotel room. I stumbled in to the room with all my other friends passed out on the communal bed. I went into the bathroom to at least change into something resembling pajamas and of course a whole sandy beach ended up on the floor of the bathroom. To add to this mess, I was basically sleeping in a pile of sand that was still on me and on my clothing. All in all, sex on a beach, not as great as it sounds. Probably something I won’t do again unless its really imperative at the time.

2) The Car: Having sex in a car is actually something I have never been super opposed to. But once again, if a bed is an option, I am going to go for that moreso than I would a car. While I was in Europe, my friends and I ended our trip in Greece. We went to this island off the mainland and it was really relaxing and peaceful and fairly empty. We went when it was semi off season, so not many tourists were around except us. Sine our Europe trip was coming to a close, we knew we had to go out one last time. Everyone was pretty broke by this point, so we managed to find boxed wine at this convenient store and use that as our alcohol of choice for the night. We drank in the hotel room for a bit and then decided to go outside and see if we could find anything open. As I mentioned before, it was off season, so most things closed down after dinner because there was no reason for them to stay open. Strangely enough, we ran into some locals that we had seen earlier in the day. It was two guys that were roughly our age. They said they were going to this bar around the corner and we should come. Being the alcoholics we are, we followed them. We get to this bar and basically its filled with only 5-7 people tops. We clearly look like the dumb Americans we are, but decide to ignore this fact so we can have a good time. Lucky enough for us, all the people in the bar were male, and all of us were females. It was a match made in heaven. Much like any obnoxious Americans on vacation, we took over the bar. I mean this in the most serious sense too. We actually were making drinks, using the computer to DJ and using all the alcohol we could get our hands on. Everyone loved it. I didn’t even intend on getting that plastered since I knew we has to be up early the next morning, but that flew out the window when we started making drinks as strong as we wanted. Soon enough I was close to black out drunk. I end up on this couch with one of the original men that we saw on the street. Lucky for me, he was one of the few people on this island who spoke English. We talked for a little bit and then of course started making out. After a while he asked if I wanted to go outside. I said yes. We are outside and he tells me he wants to show me this ancient temple nearby since it looks really cool at night. He was the sober driver so he had his car near the bar. Like a fucking idiot, I tell him that we should go see the temple. So yes readers, I willingly went into this random guy’s car on an island at 1 am. When I got in the car, the first thing I thought was, “fuck, this guy is gonna kill me and it’s gonna be Natallee Hallaway all over again.” Luck was on my side at least, and this guy was too harmless to do anything of that nature. We drive all the way up to the ancient Greek Temple and it was pretty cool to see at night. We park in this random area near the temple and somehow we end up in the backseat of his car. One thing leads to another and he asks for a condom. Of course this is the one time I don’t have one (I legitimately always carry around condoms no matter where I am going), but we are so in the moment that I say fuck it lets have sex anyway. We have sex and it was really good, although I might have just thought that cause I was so drunk and we were doing it right in front of a temple. I thought the Greek Gods were watching over us and telling us to have a good time. The only bad part was, since we didn’t use a condom, jizz kinda went everywhere, and by everywhere I mean mainly on me. I cleaned up, he cleaned up and then we put clothing back on and headed back to the bar.

So there you have it folks…. two first time experiences having sex in places other than a bed. A lot of you may think to yourself, “who cares that this girl had sex on the beach and in a car, everybody does that”, but for me, this was a big deal. I try to keep the sexual encounters as comfy as possible, because in the end, I don’t want the act of sex to be ruined by the unforeseen terribleness of a particular location.

-Vanessa

A Whorish Night Out

Now I can’t say this is necessarily one of my most memorable stories, but it is sure as hell a story I will never forget. I must be honest though, the events that occurred on this particular night were in no way planned and I am still not fully sure how it all really happened. So here goes…

It was this past year (my junior year of college) in the fall semester. There was a party at my Mitch’s house (the one from the pee in a cup story, see I told you he would resurface again) Anyway, he was having a party at his house. Now, me and Mitch have a tendency to drunkenly make out every time we see each other. You can call it habit or you can blame it on un-admitted feelings. Either way, I had a feeling the same routine would follow and I would end up making out with him and staying the night. So I get to the party, and my friend “Tom” is there also. You might think I am self absorbed for what I am about to say, but I swear to god it is not all in my head; Tom has wanted to get in my pants since Freshman year. As per usual, I am pretty drunk out of my mind (this seems to be a common theme in my stories). Somehow I end up on a couch with Tom and we start making out in front of Mitch. I kinda do feel bad, cause since it’s Mitch’s house, its kinda rude for me to make out with someone else in front of his face. So that concludes make out number one of the night.

Time passes, and this kid, who we will call “John” ends up at the party. John and I used to be fuck buddies for roughly 5 months sophomore year. Of course old drunken feelings resurface and I end up making out with him outside the house before he goes home. So that concludes make out number two of the night.

At some point I go to the upstairs bathroom, which most people aren’t supposed to use, but since I know all the occupants of the house I was at, I was allowed to do without getting drunkenly yelled at by men. After I finish up, Mitch happens to be upstairs near his bedroom. To this day, I really can’t tell you if he was up there on his own accord and had no idea I went to the bathroom or that he knew I was up there and pretended he needed to get something. Anywho, since both of us are drunk, and since he clearly didn’t give a shit I made out with someone else in front of him, he somehow gets me into his room and we hardcore make out up against his wall before eventually returning to the party. That concludes make out number three for the night.

A ton of people ended up showing up to the house, and I needed a breather outside because it was getting a wee bit hot. When I go outside, this kid who is a friend of a friend, who I will name “Chris” is out there for some reason. We slightly know each other, but due to alcohol, we think we are good friends. So we start talking, about what, I don’t know, but next thing I know I am behind some bushes with him making out. That concludes make out number four for the night.

Now I guarantee you are all thinking at this point that this girl is a skank. Rightfully so in thinking that, given that in one night I managed to make out with four different people at one party. Now I wish I could say my story ends here, but unfortunately for me and thankfully for you readers, it does not.

So the party is starting to wind down, and I somehow realize that all the people I left with are no longer at the party and that all buses have stopped due to the hour of the morning it is. However, Chris (the 4th make out) is still around even though most of his friends are gone too. Being that I do not want to get raped or assaulted in any way on my walk back to the dorm I live in, I ask if he wants to leave and we can walk back together. I know this seems uncharacteristic of me, but when I asked him to walk me back, I literally only meant to walk me back. It wasn’t one of those sly ways to get him to come back to my room and sleep with me. So we end up walking back together. Although this isn’t actually the best part, I think its personally my favorite part of the night. Here is the reason I think this; I decided the best way to pass the time between the house party and our dorm is to play, I am going on a picnic. For those of you that know this game, it is fucking awesome, drunk or sober. But since I was drunk, it was even greater. We even kinda stretched out the game so that we got to Z right when we got to his dorm (which a few minutes closer to where we came from than my own dorm). I was all ready to say goodnight and just walk the extra few minutes alone, so I say goodbye. Then Chris goes, “well I don’t want you to walk back to your room all alone.” This was said in the tone of voice that implies he wants to walk me back and then get invited into my actual room. I kinda felt bad that I was going to leave him high and dry and we had already made out for the night, so I oblige and have him walk me to my door. I bet you can all guess what happens next… we both end up in my bed. I am used to this whole routine already, so I just know I am gonna have sex that night, even though it was not planned. When I realize where this is going, I decide to say, in a completely sarcastic voice I must add, “gotta go get the condom, ya know in case you got them STD’s.” What happened next was quite possibly the last thing I ever thought was going to happen. Chris drops a huge fucking bomb on me, “ummmm about that, so I should like probably mention something, ummmmm, I’m a virgin.” WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK! (that was my mental reaction btw) I honestly laughed when this happened. It was uncontrollable. I then said to him, ” yeah, I don’t mean to laugh, but I don’t think this is the best way to have your first time to be. And to top it off, I really really reallllllly do not want to be that girl.” Chris then replies, “yeah I know, but I am a junior in college, if I don’t do it now, I never will.” Wasn’t exactly the best argument I could have heard, but in a way I just kinda felt bad, so I swallowed all pride and went along with it. I could tell he was nervous, but in a way that helped, cause this meant there was very minimal pressure on me to be at my sexual peak performance. Eventually, the sex ended and in my opinion, it actually wasn’t terrible, shockingly. So that concludes sex for the night.

So as a recap, in one single night out at college, I managed to make out with four different guys and take someone’s V Card. I can’t say I am proud of all this, but it sure is one hell of a story and its pretty impressive I might add

-Vanessa

Did you really just say that….

Although this might not be the most exciting post, there are a few things that have been said to be in recent months that I think are funny and would like to share them with you all.

1) I met this really drunk guy at an outside bar one night when I went out with my friends. I was drunk, he was drunk and his friend was drunk. We were talking for a while and I guess at some point I asked this guy what he did for a living. He told me he worked as a gym teacher in the elementary school I went to way back when. I was like so excited by this fact because its really random and made me think back to my elementary schools days. I told him I still lived in that town and my house is pretty close to the school. I honestly couldn’t even attempt to make up what I am going to tell you all he said to me after this, “OMG thats awesome! I have like so much free time during the day between gym periods. Holy shit, this is perfect, I could totally come fuck you in between my gym periods!.” Yupp, this was actually verbalized in real life. I was really happy this was said to me, cause it gave me a glimpse into the stupid shit I say when wasted. Unfortunately, I never saw this man again. Sadly, no in between gym period sex occurred.

2) I was in a cab with 3 of my friends coming back from a club in (*insert random European country). We were all really hammered and I honestly couldn’t even tell you what we were talking about in our cab. Usually, in this country, the cabbies don’t speak much English, but for some reason, on this particular night, our cab driver did. I am in the back seat with two of the other girls and then someone is in the front. I somehow ended up sitting bitch in the backseat, but didn’t care too much cause I was drunk and the cab ride was not that long. At some point as we are nearing the final destination, our apartment, the cab driver is at a red light, he turns around and looks right at me and say, “excuse me, but I have to say this; in a crowd of 10,000 you would surely stand out amongst them all.” I was pretty much staring right at him and start laughing. He replies with, “I am being very serious, you would stand out definitely.” Now to this day, I cannot really explain if he was referring to how I look or how I talk. In a completely non-conceded way it could have been about how I look, but if you know me, you can also believe that he was referring to my voice and how most people can tell I am around if they just hear me speak but can’t actually see me. Regardless, I thought this was amazing and felt kinda honored and slightly awkward that he said nothing about anyone else I was in the cab with.

3) I was in a cab in (*insert second random European country) on my way to my friend’s apartment. Me and the cabbie were chatting the whole time, even though half the time I was not so sure what he was saying. Anyway, we are chatting about random things, when he decides to mention that his true passion is his music recording business. He has been working with various musicians and creating promo cd’s for them in the past few years. I wonder why is he driving cabs for a living if he is so passionate about being a musical producer/recorder/whatever you want to call it, but I don’t ask because I don’t want to be rude. He must have sensed what I was thinking and said to me, “you are probably wondering why I am driving a cab and you are probably assuming I am lying.” He then further explained that he really needed the money to start up his recording business and driving cabs is a great way to get cash instantly. This may have been a huge load of shit, but I wasn’t in the position to judge or really be skeptical of the truth behind all of this, so I went with it. After a while in the cab ride, he says something else to me, something that was very profound and something I will never forget. He said, “Just from hearing you speak for the past 20 minutes I can tell that you are musically talented and would be a great addition to my recording label. I am actually working on a song now with a new up and coming rapper and you would be great for this song he is starting.”  HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE CAB DRIVER. If you have ever heard me sing, you would probably die laughing right there. I am actually awful. I have no singing ability whatsoever. I am in fact quite terrible. I laugh at his statement and tell him he must be joking. But oh wait, we get to my friends apartment and he tells me HE MUST play the rough recording of this song the rapper is working on. We stop the cab and he stops the running meter so I don’t pay extra money. He plops in the cd and I start listening. The song is actually not that bad and its kinda catchy in a way. We then come up to the part, that now I presumably am being told to sing in a recording studio. The chorus/line/lyric was.. oh my god, have ya seen her. I know this lyric sounds really dumb to a reader, but it does go with the song and the melody. I then proceed to sing this line for him in the cab, as we are stopped outside of my friends apartment. I know I am terrible and it sounds bad, but he thinks its amazing and I would be perfect. I can’t even believe this is all happening, but I just laugh and let it happen anyway. I then tell him I should probably go inside my friends apartment since its almost 2 am. He says of course you should, I am sorry to keep you, but here is my name and number. I said thank you, took the card with his name and number, paid the man and eventually got out of the cab. I never called him back, but I am kinda curious what would have happened if I did. I am almost positive the piece of paper with his name and number is still somewhere in my room.

4) I was out all night at a club with some friends and decided I would text a booty call to see what he was up to. He said to come over. Completely wasted Vanessa was very happy about this. I eventually get to his place and stumble into his room. I am pretty hammered at this point and its like 5 am or so. I wore sandals out to the club that night and realized it was a bad idea. Although I hate wearing heels, when you wear sandals out for the night, whether its a club, a house party, a bar, a frat or really anywhere, your feet magically get really fucking dirty. I get near his bed and drunkenly tell him that I apologize if my feet are a tad dirty, someone had stepped on them with their shoes tonight. He was kinda sober and so not happy about this. The next statement out of his mouth was not what I expected and I swear to god this is what he said verbatim, ” I am not letting you on my white sheets with those feet. Seriously, go put your feet in the shower and wash them off. ” I thought this was just so funny and I was so wasted that I didn’t even get mad, I actually went into the bathroom, sat on the floor, turned on the water and washed my feet in there. I drunkenly thought I did a great job and returned to where his bed was. Just when you think everything is fine and you are gonna finally get some drunken sex, something like this happens… “It looks like your big toe is still kinda dirty, can you please go wash it again.” Now at this point, I should have been like WTF and left, but for some reason I completely thought he was being reasonable and so I went back to the bathroom and re-washed my big toe. I guess in a way I swallowed all pride and decided to not be proud of my dirty feet, but I really was drunk and horny and needed this booty call to go well. Eventually, after TWO WASHINGS, my feet were acceptable and some good sex sessions soon followed.

-Vanessa

Why Women are Dumb

***DISCLAIMER: These opinions are strictly based upon generalizations that I have noticed among people in my life (myself included!)  This isn’t meant to offend anyone ***

Okay, so I know that as a woman I’m supposed embrace my gender and love being female, all starting with the phrase “girls rule, boys drool” which was introduced to me at approximately age 5.  Although I am no crazy liberal feminist who refuses to shave her armpits and protests for equality, I am a firm believer in the fact that women can do anything that men can do (I would say with the exception of peeing standing up, but I’m sure most college girls can agree that frat parties and seedy bars have taught us otherwise).  However, when it comes to the “game” , and most things involving sex and relationships, women are just plain DUMB.  Don’t agree? Well then let me change your mind.

Example 1: We don’t like nice guys.

Girls sit around and bitch about how all guys treat them like shit.  How many times have you or your friends complained about a guy who: led you on, treated you like shit, slept with you and never called again, etc. etc. Among this sea of douchebags we encounter, every girl has met/spoken to/hooked up with AT LEAST one nice guy.  Now some of you might say “WTF Riley, I haven’t hooked up with anyone nice!”  But I can guarantee that you have.  You may have dismissed him as too short, too chubby (which, by the way, is never the case for me), or too weird, but believe me, he was nice.  You just didn’t notice it because he wasn’t being a dick to you, and that’s what we like.  I met a guy who is great on paper.  For those of you who don’t watch Sex and the City, a great on paper guy is someone who is mature, has a great job, is nice, etc.  However, despite his drastic attempts to hang out with me, and constant complementing and chivalrous gestures, I really want nothing to do with him.  Why? Because he’s not scamming on my best friends, or talking about other girls he’d rather be with.  So, making myself a total hypocrite, I’m asking you girls to give the nice guys a chance, and maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Example 2: We think we can just be friends with guys.

Okay I know it may be possible for some girls to just be friends with guys, however since I have the mentality of a 17 year old boy, I often want to make out with everyone in sight.  My fellow bloggers and I have the same group of guy friends at home, and as much as we have tried, sexual shenanigans have gone on between almost all of us.  Of course it’s common for lines to be crossed with friends, but a side effect of having a vagina often includes feelings, and this is where friendships get tricky.  What was once an innocent makeout session between my friend and I ended up turning into a sick and twisted love triangle, but that is a story for another day.  The truth is that any guy you are friends with has 100% thought about what it would be like to fuck you, so why should we pretend like we haven’t thought about the same thing? (And for those of you reading this who completely disagreed with me at the beginning of this paragraph, I’m sorry I just made you think about sleeping with your best guy friend )

That’s enough female-bashing for one day, but I’m sure I’ll be back with more some day as I realize more dumb things us girls do.

-Riley